do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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