I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
No I am not eating basil off your cock
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
