Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
