I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
