He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
