she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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