Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
