chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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