Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Well I just put wine in my tea
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
