speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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