Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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