Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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