if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
