i may or may not be watching the land before time
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
