I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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