I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
