u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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