Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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