I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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