Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
