I can't breathe out the right side of my face
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize