happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm getting married
To pizza
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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