your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Randomize
