I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
