I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
