so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
