It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
