Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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