i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
