He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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