I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
