Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize