i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
