Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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