my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
