You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
