Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
