I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
