im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
How external is "for external use only"?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
