I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
