Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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