i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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