Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
