her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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