she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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