Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
