Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
did i just pee glitter
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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