You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
