I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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