you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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