You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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