I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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