goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
