I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
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