This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
