hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize