Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
