Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize