Are we in a gay sports bar?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
