I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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