I feel great
I just peed on a car
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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