i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Someone stole a lamp last night.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
