Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My nipple is on Facebook.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
