When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
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