I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
